Do You Think You’re Not a Controlling Person? That You’re Just Trying to Help Your Partner?

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Suppose you are a person who always decides how you and your partner will spend the weekend: whether you’ll go to a movie or stroll through the park; whether you’ll meet friends for coffee or for dinner. When your partner wants to meet some friends, you decide when, during the week or weekend, is convenient that he/she meets them (if at all…); when your partner wants to work on the home computer you allocate the time according to what’s convenient to you.

Your behavior might arouse constant arguments between you and your partner, who blames you for being too controlling. You respond by claiming that you’re simply trying to help him/her organize the time more efficiently. And anyway, you add, all the conflicts and bickering are your partner’s fault. If he/she will only be willing to learn from you how to be organized, everything between the two of you would be just fine.

As long as you’re not aware, you’ll continue harming your relationships

Until you develop Self-Awareness, you will:

* Not accept the fact that you behave in a controlling manner;
* Not be willing to acknowledge that you might have adopted a controlling behavior as a way to “cover up” your low self esteem;
* Not take responsibility for the consistent arguments and conflicts;
* Not try to change your behavior;
* Continue to perceive your behavior as “helping my partner getting organized”; and
* Continue to harm the relationship without realizing that you do so.

“I’m not controlling at all; I’m just trying to help my partner…”

If you behave in a controlling manner with your partners without being aware of it, you’re probably certain that you are not controlling at all. You may perceive yourself as someone who “suggests” things to your partners; as someone who has something to “teach” others; as someone loving who does everything “for the sake of” your partners. When this controlling behavior leads to fights, you probably accuse your partners of lack of cooperation and understanding, of being too sensitive, of always wanting to do things their way.

Reasons driving you to behave in a controlling manner

Many reasons might have caused you to behave in a controlling manner. You may have unconsciously adopted a controlling behavior:

* To compensate for lack of self-confidence and the need to prove your own value to yourself and to others.
* Out of the need to be independent and out of fear that others will decide for you.
* By imitating a controlling parent.

Regardless of the reasons for your controlling behavior, as long as you’re unaware of it, you’re likely to continue harming your relationships.